I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
