every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You made out with two different species that night
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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