i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
