god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
