you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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