I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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