Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
