I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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