My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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