the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
