Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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