What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
