so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
