maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
