Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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