Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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