i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just high enough for therapy.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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