I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
