I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
