He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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