All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
