you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
