Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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