Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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