The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
