why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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