The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize