Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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