I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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