At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
