i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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