Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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