imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
