My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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