Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
