You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
So I just went to clothing optional bar
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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