I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He passed out mid-signature
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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