If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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