theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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