We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Randomize
