when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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