Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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