oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
