what if every blade of grass was a penis?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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