Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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