you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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