Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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