grandma shit on top of the toilet
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
