quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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