the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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