WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
