It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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