I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I love you. Go after that dick
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize