The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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