just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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