Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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