So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
