Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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