I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I smell stomach acid.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
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