I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
