k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
My dick has a subreddit
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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